"I Wondered Which Option Wouldn't Outcast Me"

👤 Anoymymous, Female, 36, Heterosexual
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Illustration by Michelle Yoon

 
 

It all started with him. He was my co-worker that’s been chasing me since 2013. He tried to impress me whenever he could. This continued for three years, and the whole time we worked in the same team.

My field of work is what people call a boy’s club. I was categorized as a tomboy, and I’ve had a lot of male friends because men were a majority in school too. My co-worker and I were also nothing more than just friends because I don’t open up to someone who’s not my type.

In early 2016, my co-workers and I went drinking like always. Everyone else was gone by 10pm and left me alone with him. It was awkward. I told him I was leaving. When I got in the car, he said he wanted to clear what was between us. We talked through the open window. Although I knew how he felt for me, I chose not to acknowledge it. I felt guilty that the conversation was taking longer. He asked if we could talk in my car. It was me that unlocked the door and let him in.

 
 

Illustration by Michelle Yoon

 
 

Everything happened so fast. He pulled me into his arms as soon as the doors were locked. He tried to kiss me and touched every inch of my body. I used all my strength to hold my shirt and pants. When he took my bra off, I stopped fighting because I knew there was no hope. I started crying when he kissed me. I continued to tell him to calm down over and over. He had changed from the person who was begging for love into someone forcing me into pleasing him. He had power over me. He forced me to give him a blowjob. When I refused, he brought up a time I joked with co-workers about naughty things at work. He mocked me and said, ‘you talk but your sex sucks.’ I kept my mouth shut. I thought he wanted me to give a blowjob as a symbol of power over me.

He pressed both of my thighs and tied my arms to the car seat with his belt. He took photos with his iPhone. He fucked me, and then cuddled and soothed me with sweet loving words. He hummed along a song that was playing in the car. I threw away that CD later. He drove me to a public restroom to wash up. He bought tissue paper, drinking water and an energy drink from a convenient store. I was naked while I waited for him in the car because he took my clothes and the car key.

When he came back, he fucked me in the car again. This time he asked me not to fight back. He said he would do it longer if I protested. His body was pressing me down. He was so heavy. It was painful but I stayed still because I thought he would keep his word. He pulled my hair, licked and bit my body and continued to take photos.

I thought of quitting my job. Many times, I thought of my late father. I blamed his death. He was stronger than me. I wanted him to be here to protect me. I cried for many days. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was scared of darkness and hated everything about him. It suffocated me. My hands shook, and my legs were weak. I often didn’t go to work to stay in my bedroom or go outside to re-live my regular life. The bruises didn’t disappear for a month, and the depression was eating me up.

After one company meeting, he texted me, ‘Do you want to have dinner?’ I guess that would mean a sex date, isn’t it?’ He came and grabbed my laptop and folders. Everyone was looking at us. I knew that moment that people were gossiping and speculating about our relationship.

I thought I had two options. One, I answer all the questions from my co-workers about our relationship. Two, I prepare evidence to press charges against him. I wondered which option wouldn’t outcast me.

I evaluated the incident and my legal advantages if I were to press charges.

1.      How close our friendship had been.

2.      Alcohol intake.

3.      It was a night time.

4.      I was the one that unlocked the door.

I knew that day that I was going to lose.

It is now 2017. We have been dating for over a year. We started dating that day after the company meeting. He usually fastens my arms with his belt during sex. He is very possessive of me and doesn’t let me get close to any of my male friends. He never feels guilty of what he has done.