I was raped at the age of fifteen.
Because of the pain and the fear, I am afraid of having sex. It’s not like I don’t want to, but masturbation works better for me. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend. Although he’s aware that I’m scared, he never makes it easy for me. Every time we have sex, there is no kissing or gentle caresses. One day I decided to tell him we would stop having sex. I said if he wanted to buy sex services, go ahead. I don’t mind but please don’t hurt me like this if you love me. I don’t even let him touch me nowadays. We are still in a relationship but there’s uncomfortable air between us. It’s not like I never want to have sex. I know deep inside I still want it, just not a painful, selfish kind. I just wish I could have sex with someone who is caring and willing to help me get over this fear. ■