"We Did It Again Against My Will. He Never Listens To Me At All."

👤 Anoymymous Female, 24, Heterosexual
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Illustration by Joan Wirolinggo

 
 

My family is (super super super) conservative. Sex was never mentioned over the table. Mom and dad don't talk about it. My cousins don't know anything about it. Even at school, teachers don't talk about it. Sex was not included in the lesson. It was frustrating to talk about sex in public.

I was well aware that I have a high sex drive, but there was no one that I could talk to about it. I didn't have sex until college. It was with my first boyfriend. It was completely unexpected because there were a few times before where we could've done it, but we didn't. I think I held onto him because I was lonely. Going to college was new and foreign. I wasn't used to the city. I didn't make that many friends. So basically, he was all I had.

 
 

Joan Wirolinggo

 
 

That night he kept asking me to have sex with him. I refused. He wouldn't stop asking and I was getting really sleepy. I don't know if it was the sleepiness or the fact that I was really annoyed and wanted him to stop asking, but I finally said yes. Well, maybe I was curious to know what it felt like too. I was kind of scared when we started. I couldn't stop worrying that I would get pregnant. I kind of had a change of heart in the middle of it, but we finally did it. I was glad though, that we did it. I mean, now that we finally did it, he would stop asking, right?

Unfortunately, it didn't stop at that night. We did it again against my will. He doesn’t listen to me at all. He wanted it and he did anything to get it. He didn't care about my opinion or what I wanted. I had told him earlier what I liked and what I didn't. Seeing that he never took my opinion seriously, I never expressed my thoughts to him anymore. That was mainly why it didn't work out between us.

After breaking up with him, I'm more concerned about fair sex. I told myself if I dated anyone in the future, I'd make sure we listen to each other and talk about it openly.

It's a lot better with my current boyfriend because I can trust him and tell him what I want. But in the end, he still insists to do it the way he wants and whenever he wants. I've tried telling him that a female body is different from a male body. That he can't just put it in me anytime he's hard.

“You've gotta help my body get ready too before we do it, you know?”

This is such an irony. I ran away from what I hated just to go through the same cycle.

For now, I really don't know what I should do. I don't want to break up with him because of this. I mean, he's good to me and my family in other ways too. Let's hope he listens to what I say someday.