"I Wish You Knew How Much I Hate Myself For Taking Advantage Of You."

👤 Anoymymous Male, 19, Bisexual
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Illustration by Tidawan Thaipinnarong

 
 

I have a feeling there is something not right about our sex life.

I hold you tight and embrace you. I keep murmuring that I love you. I fondle your breasts and kiss you passionately the way it should be. But to be honest, I don't feel anything at all. I get hard but that's because I'm aroused. It's physical, not emotional. I'm never in the mood to have sex. The only reason I'm doing this is to please you. It's like I'm here moving in and out, sweating, just so you can finish.

 
 

Tidawan Thaipinnarong

 
 

Sometimes while we're doing it, I imagine you as someone else. I hold you tighter and think of your body as… how should I put it properly… a substitute of some ideal women that I wish I could fuck maybe? When that happens, you're not you anymore. You're more like a toy for the moment. All I want to do to you is cum inside and that's it. I even imagine myself having sex with a gay person instead of you.

You see, I tend to emphasize how much I love you whenever I feel guilty. And I say it the most when we're having sex. It's a mixed feeling. Sometimes I look at you and I just know I want to cherish you. Sometimes I adore you the way an adult feels towards a child. And some other times I just want you to play with me like I'm your pet cat, running your fingers through my hair when I'm sleeping with my head on your lap.

This morning as you were sleeping, I kissed you goodbye and made my way to class. The teacher was so damn hot I couldn't even breathe. Hmm, if only I could do something to that body.

I guess this is when your body is needed.

I'm such a jerk for thinking of you this way. I really don't deserve you. I wish I dare confess. I wish you knew how much I hate myself for taking advantage of you.

'I love you.'